Before I get into Part 2 of How to Become a Better Writer, I'd like to tell you that there are now 10 things you don't have an excuse to procrastinate on while you should be writing.
1) Spider Solitaire.
I'm here to tell you it's okay if you don't play another game.
It's okay that it's the only fun game that comes with every computer, you don't need to play it obsessively. At least when you should be writing.
2) Twitter.
I know that this one of the most amusing websites since NaNoWriMo.
After all, you're only trying to challenge yourself to write an extremely effective sentence that makes you look smart because you smushed such a deeper meaning into such a small sentence and also makes you look like a complete idiot because you had to use 'R' instead of 'are' . But no, this does not count towards your writing time.
2.5) MySpace. If you have one, you are too old to be this easily lazy. Get off your tush and get a real job, you probably shouldn't be a writer. People who have a MySpace still are at least 27.
The whole reason I got a Facebook and Twitter is because I was trying to promote Verve Lit Awards, but why bore people to a coma with ONLY drivel about your latest book review? Why not start a personal social media set as well and tell everyone about pink slime and the horrifying fact that Kashi has GMOs?! Why not tell them that you just got your tonsils out on Monday and there is a really gross ooze coming out of the scrape on your brother's knee? Come on, everyone needs to see that five trillionth self-portrait from Instagram!
If you agreed with that last statement, at least read
THIS blog post to return some sanity to your mushy brain.
3) "I don't have a plot!"
Of course you do.
If you stick someone in a castle mote that is closely guarded by man-eating squirrels, you have a plot. Okay, someone swimming in a mote is not a plot. But it's a darn good start to a plot. If you can write at least one or two scenes, you can have enough inspiration to build into a full idea. You can build on that small idea by asking questions. Why is the guy in the mote? What century is he in, if this isn't an alternate-historical comedy? Is he coming out of the castle or leaving it? Why couldn't he have just taken the drawbridge? Did he fall off?
4) "But I just went to the library and I need to read! I thought you were a proponent of reading excessively?"
Don't even ask me that question.
5) And another thing. If any of your other excuses are internet-related, just stop right there.
I said stop.
Do I really need to find a picture of a Stop sign?
Do I?!
6) "I need to eat. When am I supposed to do that?!"
. . .
When your Mommy tells you to, that's when.
7) oink. No, this isn't related to #6, I was trying to clean my keyboard and typed oi, then decided to add the full nk.
8) Doubt.
Don't doubt, just write. Have a conversation with God about this if yah have it.
9) Insert one of your biggest distractions here.
It could be a sibling.
Or a dog that howls like Yoda. (I am not saying that 4th quote. Not ever.)
You may need to go on a fly kill with your beloved animals, because that fly buzzing around your desk is super obnoxious. And your dog has been known to take out a lot of bees and flies. (After I typed this a fly came to attack my head. Two or three full dive-bombs.)
It could by all of those pretty fonts and format options at the top of Microsoft Word. (You can colapes that bar, y'know.)
Whatever it is, think about it long and hard. If it's a necessity, like going hunting for flies, then just do it. Just please stop . . .
. . . 10) Procrastinating.
